recapture

I’ve always heard there is power in authenticity. 

There’s a new strength found when a person chooses themselves. 

There’s a sense of rebuilding yourself that creates an untouchable strength.

Let me tell you how I managed to take control.

 I stopped indulging other people’s ideas of what and who I should be. 

Why am I trying to please people who don’t make me happy?

Why am I forcing myself to please those who do make me happy?

(are those who don’t make me happy really worthy of my pleasing?)

(shouldn’t those who do make me happy be happy for me too?)

I took back all that time I was spending trying to convince myself that others knew me better.

All that time was scary in the beginning, there were so many thoughts..oh so many thoughts…

and the possibilities! ENDLESS!

OH GOD WAS IT SCARY!!

So I went back in time and started rediscovering what I have always found comfort in.

I’ve replayed my favorite albums,

I’ve rewatched my favorite movies

and even reread my favorite stories.

In doing so, I’ve discovered so much more about about those pieces of art and why they have meant so much to me for so long. I have connected the moments that I’ve never forgotten to the feelings they have always brought up. I used some of that extra time I found to sit with the memories, the feelings -

sometimes just sitting in the sense of joy or just in the pit of pain-

and I discovered depths of myself that only personal growth can illuminate.

A list of some things that once felt good so I pick them back up:

1. Spontaneous craft projects. 

2. Reading graphic novels. 

3. Writing in the margins of my books. 

4. Reading out loud.

5. Watching my friends do things they love. 

6. Getting into old things like sign language. 

7. Dancing in the mirror when I get home from work. 

8. Blasting musical soundtracks.

& then there are things I’m trying to be better at. 

1. Taking my meds every day. 

2. Waking up to my first alarm. 

3. Roller skating. 

4. Dancing. 

5. Smiling whenever I feel like it. 

6. Creating when I feel restless. 

7. Choosing activities that will nourish me. 

8. Choosing people that nourish me. 

between these two lists I have found out more & more that i do really like myself, who i am and what i can do.

And If I can tell you one last thing -

I feel a lot better this way. 

-TMT

SCRAPped NOTES FROM JULY.